The last blog I posted earlier this week was an assignment for my class Introduction to Film at Ashford University. We have a weekly blog that we must maintain as part of our assignments for the next five weeks, so I chose a movie that I could use toward the topic on my heart today.
I have been saying I am a former binge eater. The truth is, I still am struggling on a daily basis. The fact is, I am a work in progress, and a binge eater with a bulimic eating disorder in recovery. The struggle is real. I rarely used the form of vomiting, because I thought that was “beneath me”. But I wasn’t afraid to use laxatives, starvation, and excessive workouts to try to lose the weight. This doesn’t work over time, because soon I found myself with a stripped colon that made me chronically ill, the workouts merely raised my cortisol levels which caused my body to hang on to the weight and food that I had, and the starvation screwed up my metabolism making me gain weight even easier. It was an addictive cycle, happening on a daily basis. In my efforts to move away from that I have developed a binge eating disorder. This is my “come to Jesus”. I’m being honest with myself and others-showing my true colors. I have had this disorder for at least several years, and if it’s possible to be intertwined with my Bulimia Nervosa, I have had that for 16 years. I used to be skinny, but I want to be healthy. My constant self-criticism doesn’t stop me from eating anymore, and I have lost control of the starvation techniques from the past. I can’t stick to any fitness program for more than 5 days now, and a couple years ago I could do 3 weeks. I need help. I have joined a support group, and finally told my health coach what I have been hiding. She is so supportive, but I still struggle on an hourly basis.
So, what is binge eating? Binge eating basically is the urge to eat until one is beyond stuffed. Where it differs from other eating disorders, is there is no retribution. There is no effort to purge through vomiting, excessive workouts, and even starvation. People who indulge in binge eating eat so much they feel sick. It doesn’t matter what the food is, although certain foods can be a trigger sometimes. It also happens at least three times a week. For me, it happens 2 to 4 times a day, depending on the level of stress or boredom I have. With Binge eating also comes the desire to buy something you want to eat, but then eating the entire package mindlessly so that nobody can see the evidence.
This blog is about my journey. In my journey, I have chosen honesty in efforts to overcome my unhealthy habits. Most people in my life see me as this healthy and fit person, because that’s what I always talk about. The truth is, I am obsessed. It’s an eating disorder. I haven’t been able to be a normal fitness and health person. That is why I am uncertain about my weight loss goals. They change according to what my eating disorder says. I have people who tell me I don’t need to lose too much weight, but then I look at the BMI charts and read that I need to lose 50 pounds!!! So, in my efforts to be true to myself, I got a fat percentage measuring tool. I did the math, and I have 18.2 pounds of fat to lose. This means that with the fat I will also lose some water weight and maybe even muscle, because of my age. So I can healthily lose 20 to 25 pounds. When listening to the wrong people, I thought I needed to lose 35-50…So it’s time to come clean and be true to me.
My eating disorders have made it so that I am constantly thinking about myself. A couple times a week I feel like I have to purge, and on a daily basis I feel like I need to stuff my face until I feel like I’m going to throw up. It’s the fact. I’m not a perfect person, just a normal person trying to find my perfect body. I have given up the notions to be skinny-I just want to be healthy. And FREE!!! So, come along with me on my journey, and maybe when we get through this, I can actually reach out to other people. That is my dream, my passion. That is why I risked over 10k into schooling to get my degree and become a Life Coach. That is why I left my secure corporate job as a Service Adviser, and decided to take care of myself. It was time.
In The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Walter has daydreams. He appears to be “spacing out”, but he is actually dreaming of being like Sean. He wants to be what Cheryl wants. He wants to be adventurous, daring, and all muscles. But it’s just a daydream, until one day he decides to go find the missing negative photo. He goes through so many obstacles just to meet Sean for the first time. His idol. The reason I chose to do my assignment on this movie, is because I have to face my secret life. The daydreams that I have are that I am a healthy and fit woman who helps others get to the same place. When I decided to join a support group, and told my coach, that is like when Mitty told his friends that he doesn’t know what to do about the missing negative. The next step for me is to live it. Keep going through all the obstacles, listening to my coach, giving little updates to my support team. That is when Walter goes to the bar, across the ocean, and up the mountain to finally meet Sean and ask him about the negative. That is the step I am in. Living the changes from day to day. Not giving up. I have recurring moments like when Walter was in the bar and decided that it was too late. He wasn’t going to take the big man’s offer of the helicopter. It was hopeless. I have way too many moments like that. I just end up daydreaming and eating. Then I wake up, and realize it’s time to move. I really don’t want to give up! It is then that I struggle with “binger’s remorse” when I feel sick and even worse for doing what I did. Well, Walter’s buddies on the boat quickly made him realize he has to stop the pity train. He is doing what he wants to do. Then he sees the next step! That is how it is in life. When you finally step away from the mundane part of life, you forget that you’re doing what you truly want. Sometimes it just takes a little nudge to realize it fully, that’s all.
Here are some links that cover the basics on the eating disorders mentioned in today’s blog. Y’all have a wonderful week, and enjoy the spring time! See you next Sunday!